Although parenting until adulthood is challenging and pressure for parents, it is understandable why they can be strict and critical. Because they want their children to have a better life in the future, and sometimes, they use their peers as a model to encourage their children to strive for success. However, if this comparison happens too often, it can create a significant barrier that makes children lack confidence, feel uncomfortable, and even go against their parent’s expectations.
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), an average of 850,000 people die from depression each year. In Vietnam, one in every five individuals suffers from a mental disorder, with depression accounting for 25-30% of cases. Based on statistics from the Institute of Mental Health, the number of patients with depression who commit suicide each year is up to 40,000, with the majority aged between 14 and 29. It is worth noting that the cause of the disease is largely due to family pressure, which accounts for about 80% and is currently at an alarming level.
One of the primary reasons for this is the fear and concern that parents have for their child’s future and the potential hardships they may face. As a result, parents often impose societal standards on their children, in the hopes that they will achieve the desired level of success. Additionally, life experiences and struggles place immense pressure on parents, causing them to have high expectations for their children. Thus, when their children have not achieved success, parents hastily seek role models to instruct and guide them. However, such comparisons only breed selfishness, jealousy, insecurity, hatred, and rebellion, especially if the child lacks the ability or willingness to meet these expectations.
A comparison of academic performance and achievements
A study from the University of Chicago has revealed that parents’ frequent comparison of their children’s academic performance and achievements leads to detrimental psychological effects and the development of extreme personalities. Similarly, a survey conducted by Vanderbilt University advises against making comparisons, as this increases unhealthy competition and impacts the quality of a child’s life.
Photo. The pressure of academic achievement.
On the other hand, another study from Stanford University suggests that if the focus is on personal development, your children may achieve better academic results. According to the latest report from the University of Missouri, a learning environment that avoids comparisons helps children to be happy, confident, honest, and creative.
Therefore, parents should avoid making comparisons and instead focus on exploring their child’s personal skills and interests to promote holistic development
Comparing jobs and incomes
After growing up, everyone wishes to have a good job with opportunities for career advancement and a high income, so they can become self-sufficient and take care of themselves without burdening their family. However, not every dream is easily achievable and may require a lot of time, effort, and hard work. Success also depends on factors such as education level, skills, expertise, and even luck. As we grow older, we become more aware of our strengths and weaknesses and can use this self-awareness to determine our career path. Sometimes, we may have to accept jobs that do not align with our desires or work until we find a job that we truly enjoy.
Photo. Work Pressure
Parents often worry that their children will become lazy and not strive for success if they do not see any stability, development, or outstanding achievements in their work. “I’m afraid my child will rely on the family and be lazy”, shared a parent from Binh Thanh. The economic burden, as well as the comments from others when they inquire about or see other people’s successful children, also make parents feel somewhat disheartened.
Therefore, parents have an impact on their children’s thinking for various reasons. However, they believe that comparison can create a drive to strive for a better job with a higher income. Nevertheless, if the child lacks the ability but still pushes themselves too hard, they may fall into prolonged periods of stress. Moreover, they may not anticipate the consequences of engaging in illegal money-making ventures without ethical standards
Comparing love and marriage
According to the General Statistics Office of Vietnam, the marriage rate has been gradually increasing from 2010 to 2019, with around 300,000 to 400,000 couples organizing weddings each year. However, starting from 2020 until now, the trend of marriage has been decreasing by 6%-9.3% compared to previous years. Most young people feel pressured about getting married due to economic factors, gender issues, legal disputes, inability to find a suitable partner, fear of a failed marriage, and the new idea of wanting to live an independent life without mutual constraints.
A survey conducted by the Center for Applied Research and Consultancy (CARE) in Vietnam revealed that among couples who were pressured into marriage, 40%-44% experienced an unhappy marriage due to family pressure. The reasons for this pressure include parents’ fear that their child is too old to get married, the desire to choose a financially secure partner, and the fear of social stigma. Additionally, the psychological pressure of wanting grandchildren also contributes to the urgency felt by older parents to compare and pressure their children into marriage.
Photo: Pressure to get married
In reality, many children are afraid to face their parents during family gatherings. Sometimes, they have to resort to lying or even more sadly, hiring someone to pretend to be their partner just to put their parents at ease.
A psychological expert shared: “When they have enough confidence and are ready to enter into a marriage, they will naturally open up because it is a human instinct to desire happiness and fear loneliness.”
Comparing Personality and Filial Piety
People often say “Parents give birth to children, but heaven gives them their personalities”, which means that regardless of the educational environment, each child will have a unique personality. Typically, a child who understands their parents will express their love through words or by giving valuable spiritual or material gifts. On the other hand, some children may not show their care and concern outwardly, even neglecting words of encouragement and inquiry. This can make elderly parents sad, thinking that their child lacks thoughtfulness and filial piety. Of course, there are also cases where parents demand their children to meet higher personal needs.
However, from a psychological perspective, children who exhibit rebellious behavior such as arguing, stubbornness, temper, disobedience, and indifference, may have been under pressure due to strict education, lack of harmony within the family, or constant quarrels. They may also rarely use affectionate language or show care toward one another. Therefore, instead of comparing and feeling sad, parents should gently and persistently communicate with their children to help them feel their love through words and actions and foster their sense of filial piety. In addition, it is necessary to consider the circumstances, abilities, and financial situation of the child to avoid creating unnecessary psychological pressure.
Photo. Members of Edward Zuckerberg’s family
In an interview, the father of Facebook billionaire, Edward Zuckerberg once shared his way of teaching his children: “The best thing my wife and I can do is to give our children complete trust. Instead of forcing them to obey or supervising their personal lives, we will focus on leveraging their strengths to encourage them and provide them with the spirit to patiently pursue their passions. I don’t think we should intervene too deeply into their private lives as it can create emotional distance between parents and children.”
By TVVN Press
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