Raising a child from infancy to adulthood is a long and often tearful journey for parents, especially for mothers who endure physical and mental pain during pregnancy and suffer from health problems. In addition, the pressure to have a son to carry on the family name puts a heavy burden and high expectations on their offspring’s future. Therefore, caring for their children is inevitable, but going too far can create emotional distance between the son, mother-in-law, and daughter-in-law
A 2013 study by the Vietnam Academy of Social Sciences found that a mother-in-law’s excessive intervention in her child’s private life can cause conflict and impede happiness. In addition, many daughters-in-law have filed for divorce due to the pressure and monitoring from their mothers-in-law. Moreover, a recent survey showed that less than 3% of daughters-in-law truly love and respect their mothers-in-law. This has raised alarm bells for us to reflect and ask ourselves why this relationship mostly remains at a diplomatic level, or worse, ‘willing speech but unwilling heart’, and how to eliminate the stereotypes of the ‘mother-in-law and daughter-in-law’ framework ?
Causes of Conflict
In reality, numerous factors cause conflicts in the relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. However, the most common reasons for the lack of harmony are generational, cultural, and regional differences. In addition, financial issues, education levels, family backgrounds, or differences in perspectives on life can also play a role. Sometimes, a lack of communication and social skills can also be the root cause, leading to a decrease in trust and affection and affecting the perception of both parties.
Small and prolonged conflicts create prejudices that become ‘obstacles’ in the eyes of each other. Misunderstandings and assumptions increase over time, making communication more difficult and cautious. Due to the need to maintain a harmonious family image, feelings of frustration and discomfort can sometimes explode if one hears the other confiding in someone else. However, anger and loss of control only provoke the other person to respond with resistance, even to the point of openly challenging boundaries, causing cracks in the relationship that are difficult to repair.
From the negative conflicts that arise and early exposure to Western culture, today’s young people often have certain prerequisites when entering married life. Almost all of them suggest ‘living separately’ as a way to avoid conflict or not wanting to be under the control or misguided of their mother-in-law. However, this topic has been controversial for many years because according to Eastern beliefs, sons are responsible for supporting and caring for their parents in their old age to fulfill their duty as a child. How can the husband balance love and filial piety in this case?
The Role of a Husband in Resolving Conflicts
When witnessing a conflict between his mother and wife, a filial son will think deeply. If he sides with his mother, his wife may feel resentful, believing that she has married an immature man who only listens to his mother and cannot distinguish right from wrong. Conversely, if he supports his wife, his mother will be sad and hurt, seeing her son ignoring her feelings and opinions for the sake of his wife, and gradually becoming a disobedient child.
Therefore, to handle conflicts between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law with tact and skill, the husband must remain emotionally composed and avoid being dominated by negative emotions. He can follow these steps:
- Listen to and respect the opinions of both your mother and your wife.
- Find positive points about the other person to persuade your mother or wife that they have been acknowledged by the other party. This will lead to greater empathy. However, the compliments must be logical; otherwise, they will backfire because the other party will think that you are intentionally trying to reduce their guilt.
- Offer a neutral solution after hearing both sides of the argument or suggest activities such as shopping, walking, dining, or discussing lighthearted topics to ease tension. In more difficult situations, it may be necessary to seek the help of a trusted mediator with influence to reconcile differences.
- Be gentle in both actions and words to avoid hurting either party while showing love and respect for the two most important women in your life.
The role of the husband in reconciliation is crucial as it helps the mother and wife feel cared for and trusted by their husband/son. It is also important to observe their communication to prevent future conflicts from arising.
Photo. Illustrative
In addition, a thoughtful husband will find the right occasion to buy a gift that the other person loves and say that his mother or his wife buy it because they understand that in those moments, no matter who sends it, it makes the other person happy to feel loved and appreciated.
Treating daughter-in-law as your daughter
However, it is not uncommon for a mother-in-law to love her daughter-in-law like her own daughter without any reason, just like the case of Ngoc Tram in Ho Chi Minh City. According to her, every time she visits her mother-in-law, it feels like being at her own mother’s house, comfortable and pleasant. She said, “My mother-in-law never creates any pressure for me. Every time I have a chance to visit the family, she wakes up very early to go to the market and prepare the dishes that I like. Although I want to help, she insists that I don’t because she wants me to have more time to rest. She even urges me to go out and have fun with my friends, wherever I want, as long as I feel happy and comfortable”
She confided that “At the beginning, when I first became a daughter-in-law, everything felt unfamiliar to me, and I was a bit hesitant because I wasn’t used to the family’s way of life. However, my mother-in-law is very empathetic, not only creating a warm and friendly atmosphere but also actively caring and reminding me of everything when I am away”.
Photo. Ms. Ngoc Tram and Ms. Kim Nhan became “mother and daughter” officially in 2015.
After many years, the more the sister-in-law loves and respects her mother-in-law for her good qualities, she shares, “Every time I buy a gift for my mother-in-law, she always finds a way to give back because she worries about her children’s hardships and has never demanded that they take care of her. She says ‘I can still work, don’t worry and use that money for your children instead. For me, seeing your children living happily is my true joy.’
Photo. After many years, the bond between the mother and daughter-in-law has become even stronger.
She expressed, “I’m very grateful for receiving the love from my mother and always being treated as her daughter. Every time we say goodbye, there is a lingering sadness on my mother’s face. Sometimes I see her eyes turning red, and tears streaming down, which moves me deeply.”
Let’s ‘eliminate the mindset’ of the mother-in-law towards the daughter-in-law
Prejudices have created an emotional distance between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Therefore, let’s eliminate negative thoughts and replace them with positive perspectives such as seeing your mother-in-law as your mother, with equal responsibilities, care, and gratitude. A good husband, who knows how to love his wife and children, owes it all to the efforts, teachings, and sacrifices of his mother. She has endured hardships and even paid a high price to raise and nurture her children.
It is rare in society to come across a situation like that of Mrs. Phai’s family, she shared, “I have been a daughter-in-law for over 24 years and feel very lucky to have lived with my mother-in-law. She is a kind and gentle person who rarely speaks ill of others and does not differentiate between daughters-in-law and biological daughters. If she knows of any couple arguing, she will immediately scold her son first because she believes that husbands should be considerate and caring towards their wives to have happiness.”
Photo: Mrs. Phai always sees her mother-in-law as her biological mother
It is known that all four daughters-in-law are dutiful and wholeheartedly love and respect their mother-in-law. Due to her ‘no-fault’ nature, she has charmed her daughters-in-law, so there is no distance between them as they always show affection and care for each other like sisters from the same mother.
From this, it is evident that if both sides eliminate negative attitudes and expand their love and compassion, they can live harmoniously without any boundaries between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law.
By TVVN Press
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