In communication, praise is a powerful tool that can build, strengthen, and cultivate relationships. Particularly, if parents know how to harness the power of praise, it can help their children become outstanding individuals. However, some parents, in their quest to raise ‘perfect’ children, have been overly critical and tend to point out flaws through criticism, leading to significant and often detrimental consequences.
Maybe, this can be traced back to the beliefs held by previous generations, exemplified by sayings such as Mother’s darlings are but milksop heroes”, implying that all negative behaviors of children stem from excessive pampering and care, which can lead them astray. Parents, out of fear that their children might suffer or feel inferior to their peers, tend to go to great lengths to shield them from adversity. This excessive sheltering may result in a lack of resilience and the drive to strive for success. Consequently, it can foster arrogance and self-importance in children. As they grow older, even minor setbacks can lead them to give up easily or push them toward a destructive path, occasionally leading to addiction or involvement in societal vices
Violence and verbal abuse are profoundly ‘detrimental’ to the psychological and intellectual well-being of children
After realizing that the consequences of pampering their children are a mistake, other parents often turn to a strict approach to discipline, which may involve scolding or even resorting to intimidation to make their children feel fearful and prompt them to make corrections, influenced by the saying “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. The implication here is that parents advise their children to be cautious of sweet words to avoid temptation or to accept criticism as if they are undergoing a painful whip. Although it can be difficult to hear and potentially emotionally damaging, if it helps individuals reflect and make positive changes, it can also be viewed as an act of love and care.
Regrettably, this phrase is often taken literally and has evolved into a negative and outdated approach that many parents mistakenly believe strict discipline is the only way to achieve desirable outcomes. Moreover, due to the pressures of modern life, parents sometimes lose control and ‘unload’ onto their children when they don’t obey. Concurrently, they think that using harsh methods will instill fear in their children, deterring them from repeating their mistakes.”
However, according to a scientific study by Dr. Martin Techer from Harvard Medical School, “Children who are frequently scolded, insulted, or verbally abused by their parents have an average IQ score of 112 as they grow up, which is 12 points lower than children who do not experience verbal violence”. Another study by Professor Stapen of the British Education Association emphasizes, “Berating children, especially with repetitive criticisms, can cause more serious harm than physical punishment”.
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In psychology, this is referred to as the ‘suggestive effect’, meaning that when parents consistently scold or use negative words and actions, it gradually implants a response in the child’s psyche, almost like an instinctive reaction. Furthermore, psychologists have pointed out that children subjected to verbal berating, punishment, or violence are more likely to mimic such behaviors, leading to issues such as personality disorders, autism, behavioral disorders, stress, heightened defiance, including emotional insecurities, low self-esteem, irritability, and even a tendency to seek enjoyment in violence by bullying others. As a result, unintentionally, parents may be harming their children and inadvertently labeling them as ‘misbehaved’ and ‘foolish’ in the eyes of society.
The era of modern education has advanced toward respect, fairness, and civility
Today, many parents still compare themselves to “In the past, when they were the same age as their children” as a way to remind their children to follow suit. However, in reality, the psychological development of each child varies across different stages. The reason why children in the past were well-behaved and obedient to their parents was due to a tightly-knit community environment where everyone shared a collective consciousness of preserving and upholding traditional values with strict adherence. Even customary rules carried disciplinary weight for any misconduct, as negligence could have repercussions for the entire extended family. For that reason, parents in the past were highly concerned about their children making mistakes, so they tended to be strict with them in even the smallest matters such as walking, standing, lying down, sitting, eating, drinking, and conversing. All of these actions were expected to adhere to a common societal standard, contributing to instilling ethical values in their children. This is also a sound educational approach that can be combined to cultivate a child within boundaries, but it requires a discerning and psychologically-aware approach, ‘because children will be replicas of their parents’.
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Furthermore, in today’s era, we are witnessing a gradual shift towards individualism, where human values are elevated, emphasizing autonomy, freedom of expression, and respect for privacy. Each individual can express their views, opinions, and preferences to create a fair and civilized society. Consequently, education needs to undergo reform to align with modern lifestyles. Instead of relying solely on parents, it is important to support children in developing self-awareness, fostering critical thinking skills, building confidence in communication, nurturing creativity, and instilling a sense of responsibility towards themselves and the community, all while demonstrating civility, politeness, and respect for differences. Parents should establish agreed-upon principles for their children to consciously follow, with appropriate consequences for any misbehavior. In the modern age, the role of parents is to encourage, comfort, and empower their children to become independent. These actions will enhance a child’s resilience and ability to confront challenges in the future. Therefore, it is highly encouraged and necessary to praise such moments.
The Power of Praise Transforming the Ignorant into the Wise.
Surely, we have all heard the story of ‘the boy with learning difficulties who became a world-renowned scientist thanks to his mother’s praise.’ That boy was the genius inventor Thomas Alva Edison, born on February 11, 1847, and passed away on October 18, 1931, in the United States. He held more than 1,500 patents for groundbreaking inventions that significantly influenced human life, including the incandescent light bulb, phonograph, gramophone, electric field detector, and more.
Photo: Thomas Alva Edison is renowned for inventing the incandescent light bulb
Nevertheless, behind these achievements lies a challenging and tearful process of upbringing by his mother, Nancy Elliott. By the age of seven, he had been expelled from school due to his intellectual disability. When holding the school’s expulsion letter, Nancy burst into tears, and the bewildered boy asked, “What does it say?” At that moment, Nancy regained her composure and gently read it to her son like this:“Your son is a genius. This school is too small for him and doesn’t have good enough teachers to train him. Please teach him yourself”.
Photo: Young Edison and his mother, Nancy Elliott.
From that moment on, she devoted much time to nurturing and teaching, even though the young boy often ‘forgot more than he remembered’. However, her motherly heart remained persistent, never giving up, and always finding ways to encourage his development. Each time he was praised by his mother, known as ‘AI’ (a common nickname for Edison), he felt immense joy as it motivated him to explore and learn something new.
At the age of 12, Edison unfortunately lost his hearing after a train accident. His mother felt deep empathy for her unfortunate son and contemplated how he could both learn and communicate without hearing, making it easier for him to comprehend. During that period, despite being exhausted and putting in a great effort, she never allowed herself to falter because she believed her son needed her desperately. It was through the love and unwavering encouragement of his mother that Edison gained the confidence to explore new ideas. Although he didn’t receive formal education in the traditional sense, he went on to contribute remarkable values to humanity, achieving admirable accomplishments. He became widely recognized as the youngest scientific inventor in history.
Photo: He is the inventor of the first phonograph
In 1871, Mrs. Nancy passed away when he was 24 years old. While searching for old documents, he discovered the truth about his mother’s long-kept secret, revealed in a letter from the past with a single line: ‘Your son is addled [mentally ill]. We won’t let him come to school anymore.’ It was then that he understood why his mother had cried and felt the profound sorrow that she had endured.
In the final years of his life, he once shared: “My mother was the making of me. She was so true, so sure of me: and I felt I had something to live for, someone I must not disappoint”. He wrote in his diary‘Thomas A. Edison was a mentally deficient child whose mother turned him into the genius of the century”.
This story has become a legendary tale of maternal love, the power of praise coupled with the belief that can transform the Ignorant into the Wise, triumphing over a violent education.
By TTVN Press
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