Don’t let the mother suffer alone through the pain of losing a child

The privilege of motherhood is one of the greatest joys and blessings for women, and that joy is magnified many times over for those struggling with infertility. The anticipation, waiting, and a glimmer of hope for the future can all be suddenly dashed by the devastating news of a lost child. This pain is unimaginable for any parent, especially for the mother who may fall into depression and lose control.

Regardless of the child’s cause or age, the loss of a child can cause profound emotional wounds for a mother. After experiencing such a tragedy, each person copes with their emotions differently. Some may learn to accept the loss as a natural part of life, while others find it an insurmountable challenge and may struggle with feelings of guilt and grief for a prolonged period. This is known medically as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), where the severe psychological shock harms the mother’s mental and physical health. It can often manifest through symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and fear, which can impair their ability to function socially. In severe cases, it can lead to cognitive impairment and even threaten the life of the patient. Therefore, it is crucial to provide support and care for mothers who have lost a child, to help them overcome their pain and trauma.

What are the signs that indicate one is suffering from depression?

Depression has various causes with different types of overwhelming fears, but the symptoms are quite similar. For mothers who have lost a child in the early stages, signs of isolation, sadness, crying, and difficulty sleeping may emerge, along with panic attacks that cause breathing difficulties. In particular, the sudden and unexplained departure of a child is a factor that can lead to anxiety for a mother who has not yet resolved the question of “why”. She may resort to hypothetical scenarios of “what if” and self-blame for not being able to protect her child, which causes feelings of helplessness and guilt that may make her want to give up on life. Negative thoughts can take over and affect their willpower temporarily, while the lack of attention and empathy from those around them can intensify their feelings of despair. Sometimes, even well-intentioned actions from the spouse, such as acting as if nothing has happened to help the mother move on quickly, can lead to sadness, making them feel unloved, worthless, and neglected.

Photo. An American mother suffering from depression due to ‘missing her child’ has asked a photographer to composite a photo.

All of the above symptoms are indications that one is suffering from depression, which usually occurs in the first few weeks or months. If left untreated for an extended period without special medical care from a doctor, it will have a severe impact on one’s health. In addition, there are also some worrying cases where mothers pretend to be “fine” and hide all emotions, not wanting to bother their loved ones. However, if this coping mechanism lacks self-acceptance, it can be extremely dangerous.

Moreover, other personality indicators that are unusual include being easily angered, irritable, yelling, experiencing frequent mood swings, having excessive worries, talking to oneself, avoiding social interaction, or changing sleeping and eating habits. Even worse, some may resort to substance abuse as a means of numbing their pain.

Why do the majority of them choose to treat themselves at home?

According to statistics from the Vietnamese Ministry of Health, there is an average of 20% natural miscarriage rate per year, with 5 common types including complete miscarriage, incomplete miscarriage, missed miscarriage, threatened miscarriage, and miscarriage due to infection. Among them, about 1% to 4.4% experience recurrent miscarriages due to various factors such as genetics, chromosomal abnormalities, diseases, history, and substance abuse, and 50% of cases have unknown causes.

It is reported that in 2022, over 6,300 children, students, and young adults died in traffic accidents, with around 200,000 cases of sudden death occurring, primarily in the age range of 12-55, not including deaths from illness. On average, there were no fewer than 1,800 deaths per day. Among these cases, it was noted that 15% of mothers experienced depression after the death of their child. However, only a few agree to receive psychological treatment at the hospital, while the majority choose to self-treat at home because they don’t want to waste time, think their illness is not severe, or don’t believe they are sick. Therefore, the role of a supportive companion is crucial because only true support can help the mother recover from her illness.

What advice would those who have gone through and recovered from?

Ms. Van Vu, located in Ho Chi Minh City, is one of the mothers who had experienced a long period of severe depression. Fortunately, she became aware of her condition and, combined with the positive encouragement and comfort from her husband, was able to overcome her mental crisis in time. She expressed her gratitude by saying, “I am very grateful to him for not letting me face the pain alone.”

Photo: He always creates conditions for Ms. Van to feel most comfortable.

At the same time, she also has sincere advice for the loved ones of mothers who are self-treating at home.

1. Patients are often sensitive to noise, and when someone speaks loudly or behaves aggressively, they may experience headaches or feel attacked, increasing their anxiety. If their tolerance level is low, they may respond with negative emotions. Therefore, it is important to use gentle and polite language to encourage and comfort them, creating a sense of peace and comfort.
2. Instead of discouraging crying, it is better to listen to their emotional pain because once they have expressed it, their sadness may lessen. Additionally, it is not always necessary to respond with words, but after they have cried, offer a sincere hug to make them feel the empathy and care of the person beside them.
3. Don’t pretend that everything is normal in front of them, especially the husband should not avoid the situation, because their mind will be filled with questions and doubts such as “Why did I experience such a big tragedy, and my husband doesn’t seem sad, or even ignores it? Is this event worth anything?” This is a crucial point that exacerbates depression because, at that moment, they are controlled by negative thoughts and cannot understand the good intentions of the person beside them. Therefore, the advice here is to share the sadness with them and share positive thoughts about the future of the child. Let them feel that the person beside them is also hurt just like they are. As a result, the strong desire to protect their loved ones will quickly be restored.
4. Participating in meditation courses, practicing yoga, or keeping a journal can help accumulate and enhance positive energy. This is because the body automatically produces hormones such as dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin to boost mood, reducing negative thoughts.
5. Creating positive motivation for those in similar situations can help them find joy in life. This action not only ‘reconnects’ social connections but also helps us understand ourselves better and more easily receive good intentions from those around us.

Regularly participating in public service and social activities to share the burdens of unfortunate lives not only has a high humanitarian value but also helps individuals avoid feelings of loneliness. Instead, they will see that care, solidarity, and love are spreading everywhere.

Photo: They often selflessly assist those in need.

Changing her positive actions has had an impact on her mentality, helping her gradually return to reality and accept the past gently. For her, adversity can help everyone deeply appreciate life, so when someone is in trouble, she also empathizes easily and wants to share more.

It was the act of giving without expecting anything in return that returned positive energy to her, helping her overcome the pain early on. After many years of ‘waiting for fate’, their family now has two new members, and her husband always loves and takes care of them wholeheartedly.

Photo: Their results after the adversities by holding onto a positive mindset.

Therefore, I would like to convey a message to all mothers that “after the rain comes the sun, no matter how much pain there is, there will always be a resolution, but most importantly, never lose faith in yourself as it is the only way to peace and even welcome a different wonder in the future.”

By TVVN Press

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